Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I will hold on hope

I hesitate to even write this post. It's done. It's over. It's in the past. But then why did I tear up when I went back to the gym for the first time since it happened today? Why do I get mad each and every time a person I know with a kiddo around Anna Kate's age announces that they are pregnant on Facebook?

We started trying to get pregnant in May. We got pregnant in May and found out on June 1. I was shocked. Kind of didn't really believe it was real. But then we went to the dr. and saw a heartbeat. The baby was measuring a week behind what we thought, but I wasn't that concerned. Anna Kate measured small my entire pregnancy. But my symptoms were never as strong as they had been with Anna Kate. And I just didn't think things were right. We went back to the dr. two weeks later and our suspicions were confirmed. No heartbeat, no growth since 6 wks.

I wish it was something I did. Because I could control that. I could not do that thing the next time around. The thing that caused my baby to die. Was it because I had two half-caff cups of coffee/day? Did I run too much? Was it that stupid mercury lightbulb I dropped? Well I just won't do those things next time around.

But in my heart I know it wasn't something I did. I know it just wasn't in God's plan for us to meet this baby here on earth. And that sucks.

Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

We will be disappointed in this life, but Lord...please don't let me become discouraged. Please let me hold on hope.


Suzanne said...

My heart breaks for you, Reece and Anna Kate. Praying for you.

kristyo15 said...

SO sorry to hear this Andria. Praying for y'all! {Hugs}

Allie said...

OH I am so so sorry! I will pray for peace. This is so tough. Big hugs to you.

Chrissy said...

Keep holding on hope friend-- maybe our little ones are keeping one another company til we get there.

Tammy Harms said...

I'm just now seeing this. Our babysitters at small group on Friday night were "Jordan" and "Rachel". I didn't even realize it until the next morning and I sat there stunned for a long time. They will always be a part of me. But more importantly, are those glimpses of hope. That is my prayer for you. Lots of glimpses of overwhelming hope. Love you.