I will hold on hope

I hesitate to even write this post. It's done. It's over. It's in the past. But then why did I tear up when I went back to the gym for the first time since it happened today? Why do I get mad each and every time a person I know with a kiddo around Anna Kate's age announces that they are pregnant on Facebook?

We started trying to get pregnant in May. We got pregnant in May and found out on June 1. I was shocked. Kind of didn't really believe it was real. But then we went to the dr. and saw a heartbeat. The baby was measuring a week behind what we thought, but I wasn't that concerned. Anna Kate measured small my entire pregnancy. But my symptoms were never as strong as they had been with Anna Kate. And I just didn't think things were right. We went back to the dr. two weeks later and our suspicions were confirmed. No heartbeat, no growth since 6 wks.

I wish it was something I did. Because I could control that. I could not do that thing the next time around. The thing that caused my baby to die. Was it because I had two half-caff cups of coffee/day? Did I run too much? Was it that stupid mercury lightbulb I dropped? Well I just won't do those things next time around.

But in my heart I know it wasn't something I did. I know it just wasn't in God's plan for us to meet this baby here on earth. And that sucks.

Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

We will be disappointed in this life, but Lord...please don't let me become discouraged. Please let me hold on hope.

19 months

Wow. I know that at each stage, I am going to be in wonder of so many different things, but this is just such a fun and amazing age! You are learning so many new things each day and trying out new ways to communicate and play. Each day brings a handful of new words, new dances, new pretend play, new discoveries. You've really taken to playing with dolls in the past few weeks. Putting them in strollers, feeding them, trying to get clothes on and off, dancing with them, patting their backs, rocking them. It's neat to watch you figure out your own world through pretend play with dolls. I imagine it must be pretty tough to have someone (your mommy or daddy) dictating pretty much most of what you do, eat, wear. It's probably a pretty nice change to be able to be in charge of your dolls :).

You've started saying "Mommy" and "Daddy" now instead of "Mama" and "Dada." I'm not gonna lie, it kind of melts our hearts :). After dinner, you'll often run to the stairs and say "bath." And when it's time for night night, you point to your teeth, say "brush teeth," and run to the gate to go upstairs. You seem to like your routine :).

One day recently, you hit your foot on something and started whining a little bit. I asked you if you wanted me to kiss your foot to make it better and you ran over and lifted your foot. Often when you hurt yourself a little (even if it's not your foot), you come running over and lift your foot for me to kiss. It cracks me up and I love the little smile you have on your face when I'm covering your foot in kisses. You've started to tickle us back and tickle your dolls too. Your little fingers strum lightly over our backs, tummies, feet, and we giggle much more at the sweetness that is you than actually being tickled!

You still love your books, especially if you get to roar like a lion or meow like a kitty. ABC's are becoming a favorite of yours too. If you see a letter, you'll usually say "A" "P" or "R" (we have a few monogrammed "R" things around the house). Those appear to be your favorite letters so far. Last night after dinner, you repeated all of the letters up to "R" after your Daddy. I think you were tired after all the effort and just couldn't bring yourself to finish! Often times, we'll get a request for "AB?" or "up above?" and we'll start singing your two seemingly favorite songs.

A few recent pictures (taken at 18 months...and of course I kept meaning to write this update to coincide with the pictures!)

Starting to get into dressing up. And saying "peek boo" while lifting the sunglasses up and down :). 

JUMP!

We've been trying to get this on video for weeks. It's the best we could do given the fact that most times I whip out the camera and she comes running around to my side to see what's happening on the screen :). 

Anna Kate is a jumping foooool. I love how she lifts both arms in the air to really get the momentum for the big jump going :D. 

The Mean Girl

That was me. I was the mean girl. And now, watching my nephews grow up, and watching my baby get closer and closer to little girl-hood, it breaks...no it shatters...my  heart. I bullied. I kept people out of my "club." I kicked. I made people feel small. Just so that for maybe a moment, a tiny moment, I could feel big.

We were recently at a family party with wonderful people. Anna Kate was playing in the girls' room. She had never seen such bounty of pink, doll, sparkle, and shine! She was sitting in the corner, playing with a barbie doll (she only owns 1 doll and had never seen such a thing!). It was a naked barbie doll. But she didn't care! She was playing with it, patting its head and enjoying a new discovery. The older girls across the room looked over, pointed, laughed, and said, "Look!! She's playing with a naked barbie!" Anna Kate obviously had no idea what had just happened. She looked back at the girls, smiled brightly, and continued playing with the doll. But it was my first glimpse into something that could hurt her in the future. She was excited and enjoying playing with a doll. Had no reason to think there was anything wrong with what she was doing. And these girls are NOT mean. That is not my point here. I just saw how a simple comment like that from the "older" girls (insert cool, prettier, etc) could in the future make Anna Kate put aside something she thought was fun just to please other people. And as much as I know it happens, it truly hurts my heart to know that her innocence, her joy, her exuberance for life will change as these experiences occur in her life.

Oh Lord, help me know how to help my daughter handle the mean girls and the hurts (big and tiny) that are inevitably going to be a part of her life. Give me the wisdom, the grace, the love, and the strength to know when to help her stand up, to know when to give grace, and to know when to walk away. Help me to know when to step in and help me to know when I need to stand close by and let her walk through these trials.

17 months

It's official. Anna Kate is no longer a baby. Technically, she's been a toddler now for a few months, but it really seems as of late that she is just such a little girl! The past few weeks have been so much fun watching her grow, learn, and engage more and more. She is repeating so many words now and it seems daily she adds something new to her repertoire. We also very well may be entering the world of "I do it myself." Almost every trip up and down the stairs takes 30% longer with her wanting to climb up and down herself. I just have to remind myself to slow down and let her learn/explore/do! Our "safe spots" on tops of side tables and shelves are starting to be in her reach and with her climbing couches, not much is out of her abilities!

One of my absolute favorite things is to stand from another room and watch her play. She will flip through books (stopping to study each page), sing/dance with Violet, hug her dolls and say "awww," and show off her vacuuming skills by maneuvering her toy vacuum through the house. I would love to know what she is thinking in those moments! Soon enough, I know :D.

The weather has been quickly heating up, so we've been spending as much time as possible playing outside before the crazy Houston summer gets too extreme! She loves climbing all over the playscapes and will grab our hands for us to walk/climb around with her. It seems to depend on her mood, but she has gone down the big slides quite a few times by herself. She'll start out with a smile, turn a bit apprehensive, and then another big smile at the bottom. I think we may have a dare-devil on our hands!

A few weeks ago was my nephew, Colson's, Spring Program at his pre-school. Anna Kate absolutely loved watching the kiddos sing and dance and was getting her bouncy/jumpy/dancing groove on in Mimi's lap most of the show!

Jamming with Mimi at cousin Colson's Spring Program

Rockport

We are so incredibly blessed to have such sweet and giving friends! Our friends, Tom and Kim, generously offered to let us use their beautiful house in Rockport for a few days. We took them up on it a few weeks ago and it was such a nice getaway for our family. This was actually the first time we have gotten away as just a family of three! Our trip also marked Anna Kate's first "real" trip to the beach! We took her last year, but it was soooooo hot that we just snapped some pictures and left quickly thereafter. AK had such a fun time shoveling sand, chasing seagulls, and wading in the water with Daddy. Although...the seagulls soon became her nemesis. They were BOLD. I brought out some crackers for AK (yes, NOW I know not to do that in the future!) and they would not stay away. One even flew by and snatched one out of my hand! She climbed in my lap, hugging me tight and yelled "NO!" while shaking her finger at the seagulls. It was a pretty funny scene :).

awwww

Miss Independent

Blue Steel

Hiding in Mom's arms from the seagulls

Easter

Just a few pictures from our Easter weekend!

15 months (Orrrrr...16.5 months)

Oops. This has been sitting in draft form for about a month.

AK was standing in the living room in her pjs and she just looked like such a little girl to me this morning. That may have had something to do with the fact that her pjs might be a little on the small side (if the leg openings pretty close to her knees count as a "little" small), but it also has a lot to do with her growing up! We had her 15 month check-up last Friday and she's hanging steady in the height department at 75th percentile, but her weight is a bit below the chart. Doc's not worried, and we're not worried. It'll all even out at some point. She eats well (if she's not being a picky monkey that day), I sneak spinach smoothies into her :), but she just burns it all off. We were waiting on the doc and she was chowing on a granola bar while simultaneously running circles around Reece. She is still while sleeping (sometimes) and while strapped in her car seat or stroller. That's about it :).

This is such a fun age. AK is learning so much and starting to have so much fun interacting with us and other kiddos. Older kiddos just may be one of her favorite things on this earth. We just ended a fun music class at church where the teacher brought her older son (maybe 9?) with her to class. AK would sprint over to watch him and say "hiiii" throughout the class. Speaking of our music class, AK loved it, but not at all for the reason it was intended. She mostly ran around being a crazy baby and smiling at all the other moms, hanging out by the window, or being dragged away from the buttons on the audio system. Most of the other kiddos happily sat in their mama's lap throughout at least the first half of class :). The funniest part to me was that AK started realizing that bubbles were at the end of the class. So, about 15-20 minutes before time was up, she would start saying "bubbles" and lifting her hands in the air. She is also starting to "request" twinkle twinkle by saying "up a bu (above)" and raising her hands in the air for twinkling stars. We've been playing a lot of "hide-and-seek-chase" recently. I hide on one side of the counter, she runs to find me, and then waits for me to chase her, all the while cracking up. She'll also stand right behind me when I'm sitting on the ground with her and wait for me to turn my head to "find" her and then commence the cracking up.

We have had a bit of a rough couple of weeks while it seems all of her teeth are coming in at the same time. There have been mannnny whiny days and, at my wits end, I decided to implement a new rule. I bent down to my whiny, desperately pulling on my pants baby, and told her she would no longer be picked up when she whines at me. She needs to say "up" and give me the sign for please and I will pick her up. To my utter astonishment, it worked!! Thank. you. Lord. The only downside is now she thinks this automatically means she gets picked up even if I have raw chicken hands as I'm making dinner. Oh well, one step at a time :).

The following is definitely just for record-keeping sake. I'm no good at baby books and I will forget these!

Some things Anna Kate is consistently saying:
hi
bye bye
hi kitty
mama
dada
nana (banana)
bapple (apple)
bubbles
bobble (puzzle)
ball
bow (boat)
up

She is working on blowing kisses and just this week has started giving us real kisses. She thinks it's pretty funny. She also walks around pointing to everything saying "et" and waiting for us to tell her what it is. We're also working on naming body parts and animals, and she is getting pretty consistent about head, eyes, nose, ears, feet, belly button for body parts, and cow and cat for animals.

Monkey Business

Just a few recent pictures of our sweet little monkey :)

Ready to rodeo! Yes, we bought her boots. Yes, it was a splurge. But at least we bought them too big so she can wear them for a while. Never mind that she'll probably have to wear 3 pairs of socks to make them stay on this time around :D.

Being sweet 

Playday at Mimi and Poppy's. Yes, that might be dirt by her mouth in the first pic.

Bath baby

love love love

I saw this post on MODsquad today and it, of course, got me thinking about all of the things I love love love about our sweet Anna Kate :).

Just a few:

• When she wants a hug, she doesn't just walk up and hug you. She starts at a full run and SLAMS her body into your legs. Attack hug :). 
• Her smiles. There are so many variations and I know what each one means. Some are just pure joy, some are proud of her latest accomplishment, some are welcoming a stranger's greeting, some are quite mischievous, some are inviting tickles, and some are the "I'm not sure what you're doing, but I think it's kind of funny, so I'm going to smile" smile. 
• Dancing. We often have dance parties, but she always wants me to dance with her in my arms. No problems here! 
• Watching her learn and watching her crave new knowledge. The past few weeks she has been pointing to everything she sees saying "et" and waiting for us to name the thing. Her favorites are naming body parts and she'll go back and forth between her face and ours when we name each. 
• The way she says "buh-BYE". I'll have to get this one on video. "Buh" is rather quiet, but "BYE" is quite forceful :). 
• Her independence and her need of me. Yep. Both. 
• Hugging her animals. This started happening in the last month and it melts my heart every time. She had never been attached to anything (and still really isn't), but watching her walk around with a bear or pig or bunny snuggled up to her just melts my heart! 
• Putting things in other things. I have found myself "thinking like Anna Kate" to find lost pacis, socks, etc :). 
• I love how adventurous she is! She doesn't seem to have issues acclimating to new situations and will just take off exploring if given the chance.
• Her babble-stories. She tells us stories and is very expressive with her facial expressions and hands while she babbles away! I wold loooove to know what she is telling us :). 
• Growling. She'll rawr at us with the cutest smile on her face. 
• Walking around carrying boxes /containers that are at least half of her size. 
• Climbing into and just hanging out/sitting in said boxes/containers. 
• She brings me books to read to her and climbs in my lap expectantly. 
• After I've gone for a run, she'll grab my water bottle and put it up to my mouth for me to drink. She (and I) thinks this is hilarious. She looks so proud of herself! 

I keep hitting "publish" and then coming back to add more :). 

• She walks around with both hands behind her back
• When she's off playing in another room, I'll hear her just start giggling. Another time that I would love to know what's going on in her little head! 
• She pets her doggies and says "hi d" (d I think is for doggie :)) and says "hi kitty" whenever she sees Cassy.
• Walking around wearing a dishtowel, belt, anything around her neck and letting it drag behind her.  

I think the bottom line is that I just love watching her grow up and grow into her own little person. She's been absorbing and watching for so many months and now it's all coming out in her unique way! 

Etsy love

A few prints that I love on Etsy. Still looking for more, but I love that each of these prints can tell such fun, imaginative stories. Endless creative story-telling options!

via Etsy naokosstoop shop

Why hello, 2012

Even writing the post title, I wrote "2010" first. Had to backspace. Oh right, the point of this post is 2012.

As I was jogging a few weeks ago, a thought struck me. I'm not typically a resolution person. But this one didn't seem like my idea. And when God puts an fully thought out idea in my head, I think it's in my best interest to go ahead and listen/do :D.

So here we go. Each month of 2012 (there are twelve of them in case you're wondering), I am going to fast from something that, by my actions, I place of higher importance than spending time with/growing my relationship with God.

January = Fast from any TV during the day. I don't spend much time watching TV during the day, but I do turn on Good Morning America first thing while my baby girl sits in my lap drinking milk. And I do occasionally watch a recorded TV show during her afternoon nap. Instead, that time will be spent in the Word, praying, and meditating on God's will for my (current) mission as a wife and mother.

I don't have all twelve fasts decided quite yet, but I have zero doubt that as the year goes on, God will reveal any and all things I put above Him. So far I have (He has) identified: Facebook, non-Christ centered blog reading, Pinterest, shopping for myself (including online browsing), and working out. Yea, I know. That last one is kind of confusing to me too. But it is there. I do spend more time working out than I do in His Word. I think I have come up with a good idea on that one though.

I do not think any of those things mentioned above are bad in-and-of themselves. I DO think spending more time engaged/placing higher importance in/on those activities than I spend with my Savior is bad. Life-threatening really.

Here's to 2012. Ha :). I did it again. 2010.

12 months, 1 year!

As I read over your monthly updates from the past year, I love seeing that you have had your amazing and spunky personality from day one. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb." Psalm 139:13

You are our amazing daughter, our blessing. Each and every one of your days is held in His hands, and in that, I take great comfort. "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

What a year! Could a year have possibly already gone by with you in our lives? No. Simply not possible! You are my sunshine. I love our days together, but I also love our time apart. When I come to pick you up at the nursery at church or the gym, I love watching you for a minute playing and having such a great time with your "friends" before you see that I am standing there. I have to admit, it's kind of neat to see you abandon anyone and everything you are playing with to come rushing over to me. I pray that someday you do the same when God calls you to Him. Drop any and everything and run into His arms. To tell the truth, I pray the same for your daddy and me :).

This month has been such an amazing time of development for you. You took your first steps just a few days shy of your first birthday. Walking is definitely still not your primary mode of transportation, but you get a huge kick out of walking in between your daddy and me as we both scooch further and further apart. You are also definitely expanding your vocabulary and love to say "hi kitty" when Cassy walks by. You'll say "hi" to the doggies too when they walk by as well as people we pass while out and about. It's neat for us to see that you are finding new ways to express yourself and let us know what you want. We had a few rough days while your two top teeth made their way on the scene, but they are here and helping you try new and fun foods.

You have such a shining and fun personality. You love to laugh and to get others to join in the fun. You love being tickled and smooched and give the occasional smooch back. Books are very much starting to be one of your favorite things. I'll walk into your room and find you sitting on the floor turning and running your fingers across the pages of one of your favorites.

One of the first of many "how do we guide/correct her behavior" conversations also took place in our house this month. You have taken to throwing your food at every meal. Let me tell you, it isn't very cute ;). Today seems to be going better after a few days of consistency in our reaction, let's hope for the best! This has definitely served as a reminder to your daddy and me that our God is much slower to anger than we are. We disobey God all too often, and He guides us back to obedience. We hope to be able to do the same as we raise you and continue to keep God's grace and Word as our guide.

We love you, sweet baby girl, and look forward to all that year two has in store!

1st birthday fun!

12 month update to come, but here are a few pictures of Anna Kate's 1st birthday!

 

11 (and a half) months

Ack. We are running quite late this month. Maybe it was sickness; maybe it was busy; maybe it was a combination of both!? We had a bit of a stomach bug that was passed around the family and then AK was hit with hand, foot, and mouth. Ick. That one was tough. I hated that with the exception of cuddles when she would let us, there was little to nothing we could do to help her feel better on that one.

So now on to 11 months!

Many things remain similar, and many things are continuing to constantly change as you grow and develop into such a sweet, SPUNKY, and amazing little girl. You are definitely finding out what you like/prefer and you are also finding ways to let us know! You have a dose of ham from your daddy and a LOT of stubborn from your mommy :).

One of your favorite things to do is walk around the house while holding on to my fingers. If I try to let go of one finger, you sit down and get sooooo mad at me. You'll plop down and throw your arms up and down a few times to let me know you're frustrated with me. The funny thing is, you can walk just fine while only holding on to one finger; you just prefer not to :). You've even taken a few unassisted steps (the first of which was on October 25). But for now, I think you're pretty content having a walking buddy!

Speaking of frustration, you're starting to throw a few little tantrums. It's so hard to watch you get frustrated when you don't get your way,  but I also know it's the best thing for you (and us) in the long run for you to start learning that gratification doesn't always come instantly and in some cases, at all. We're definitely starting to turn the page from baby into toddlerhood, and with that comes new lessons learned for both of us. Wow. Just writing that made me tear up a little!

Your dad and I can often be heard saying "you're just so much fun!" to you as you laugh and find new ways to entertain yourself (and us!). Watching you discover new things and the joy that subsequently lights up your face is such an amazing blessing for us.

You are making so many new sounds and mimicking us quite often. If you cough once, you'll keep making the sound over and over again so that it sounds (to the outside ear) like you're having a bit of a coughing fit. But your dad and I know that you just like the sound and you get this little grin on your face when you're doing it :). We've heard a few "words" and your repeating skills are definitely expanding more and more each day!

You amaze us, little girl, and we are so blessed to have the opportunity to raise you!

YUM

These are yum. I've maybe already had three.

Twink (no, not that kind of twink)

I found our inspiration for our costumes here. She is more talented than me. Much, much more so. But I loved the idea so much, I just had to make it work :). Here are some pics from AK's first Halloween adventure!

Jogging and Zombies

There is a group that does some sort of boot camp in the mornings on my jogging route. It's dark at 6:20 am (usually the time I come across said group) and I have pretty much convinced myself that they are a group of zombies just bidding their time and planning their attack on unsuspecting joggers. Which is unfortunate. Because I really do have plans set in place for surviving a zombie apocalypse. But I really don't think my chances are very high when there is a group that big. My only hope would be to dart into the street and get a car to let me in. Of course, that plan would only work if the driver isn't a zombie. Otherwise, I'm screwed.

Someone tell me it's not just me that makes up these scenarios? It's probably just me.

10 months!

Goodness, what to say about our sweet little 10-month old?! You are such a precious, precious baby girl and an amazing gift from God!

You are doing so many new things that it's hard to keep up! You are absolutely zooming around the house with the aid of the radio flyer walker we borrowed from the Harmsi clan and you love to walk the perimeter of the couches/tables in the living room. You can stand on your own for a few seconds, but when you realize you are standing without mom or dad, you promptly sit down on your bum :). I'm pretty sure you aren't lacking in ability, you're just a bit cautious and want to be sure you do it right when you decide to take those first steps!

Although...you aren't very cautious in most other things. You can climb all the stairs and didn't seem hesitant at all. Once I opened the gate for you; up you went (with me closely trailing you of course)! You will climb all over the couch and I have to be very careful not to leave anything close to tables that would enable you to climb on top or you would in a heartbeat!

You love pulling all of your toys out of your baskets and then choosing which one you want to play with. Your current favorites are a tiny stuffed Piglet and a plastic car. You'll crawl around the living room with Piglet in your mouth and it cracks. me. up.

The weather is FINALLY starting to cool off (crazy hot summer/drought), and we are able to get out so much more! We are starting a new tradition (two weeks in a row now) of Friday night picnics. I think you enjoy them as much as we do! We're also able to take you jogging with us again and you completed your first 5 miles on Saturday :). With our ability to be outside more often has come your introduction to swings. I think you're in love :).

You really love people; and people seem to really love you :). It doesn't matter where we are; you always look around and get so excited when someone stops to talk to you. You flash the BEST smile and I melt every time!

You still love to eat whatever your mom and dad are eating, but you're also letting us feed you a bit again. You're definitely a great helper though, and have started bringing the spoon (held by mom or dad) to your mouth. You prefer eating fruit from mom or dad (bites off of the fruit we're eating as opposed to us cutting it up for you), but that's ok; we think it's pretty cute!

2 more months until you are a ONE. YEAR. OLD. I cannot believe it.

First Haircut!

Before:

During:

And after!

So I'm not going to win any awards, but I think I did an ok job! At least she can see again :D.